I really appreciate the idea of midwifery over mastery. I’ve always felt alienated, frightened, by educational spaces that encourage us to “master.” (This was from an early age: I can remember a ballet class I tried when I was about 4 that I refused to go back to. I learned deep anxiety and disconnection from myself during high school years in large part because of an intensity around mastery.) As an educator, I hate the rhetoric, standards, and tools that emphasize children’s “mastery” of knowledge and skills. Let’s not train children to seek to master. Midwifery seems to center inquiry, process, emergence, and growth—or, not even to “center,” since that’s a concept with the same white EuroWestern lineage as “mastery”…maybe I’d say to “radiate.”
One thing I wondered as I read your post was about “softness” as a quality we can use to characterize relationships, communities, and structures, not only individuals.
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I am sorry to hear about the anxiety and disconnection from mastery-focused learning....I hate that I can relate!
I have never been able to "master" much of anything, since I am always drawn to learning new things and kind of getting a birds eye view of certain subjects. My love of learning is grounded in curiosity, mystery, wonder and beauty among other things...
I also wish we could help kids develop their natural seeking tendencies in the learning process. I'd be curious in a future 1:1 to hear your thoughts on how that does/might happen through your work.
What is interesting about softness for me is how it has evolved in its meaning for me. I found that when I was looking for language to name what I needed to show up as fully human in the world, "softness" made sense, because I was trying to resist the strong Black woman myth. But over time, I've enjoyed seeing the overlap of what I am looking for in softness through contemplative spirituality. It is incomplete, as all language is, but helpful.
I am so grateful for you visiting my writing...this truly feels like I've been seen.
Natural seeking tendencies—I love that. I look forward to a future 1:1 to explore this more.
Your reply led me back to Cole Arthur Riley’s words at the Black Contemplative Prayer Summit in February, about the softness that can be possible—in ourselves and with each other—in the dark…
I also wanted to share how glad I was when you brought up doulas in our group conversation just now. I’d literally had the thought about 30 minutes earlier in the convo, “what’s the difference between a doula and a midwife? When my friends and loved ones have described their experiences with doulas, I’ve often thought I’d love that relationship, in both directions.” Then you shared about doulas! And that got me pondering all the ways humans can doula for/with each other, through the different kinds of life we bear.
I'm not even sure where to start with all the places that this resonates. Maybe I'll begin by saying that the very question about the possibility of being a "soft Black woman" feel frightening (folks kill shift things, especially if they're Black); vulnerable (don't be telling all these people that we have soft inside of us!); desirable (I honestly just want folks to see me as soft and take care of my softness, in all its forms, WAY MORE than they ever do); and vocationally descriptive on a very personal level (ask me how much time I spend searching out and curling up on soft things as the current daily pursuit of my body 😄).
To that last point: I'll happily refer you to two lovely and affordable weighted blankets I purchased earlier this year, if you haven't already bought yours.
Thank you for this comment. You engaging with this post brings back tender memories from when I first wrote it. I have also felt like it is hard to walk through the world as soft as I am, unprotected. It is a question I want to bring to my gentle landing community more explicitly in this season. I hope to be writing on what the answer to that is!
In the meantime, I will share something my friend Alicia Crosby Mack shared—your softness isn't safe with everyone. Our masks, when we wear them with agency, protect us from those who would abuse our softness. I also think of Chichi Agorom's wonderful book, "Enneagram for Black Liberation," where she talks about our enneagram numbers as a form of necessary armor to survive in a world of anti-Black oppression.
On the weighted blanket—I finally bought one last night, using gentle landing funds. I have been putting it off for so long and I was finally like, "F--k it! I deserve this!" I am so excited for it to come in! 😄😄
Enneagram for Black Liberation is an AMAZING book. It was such a beautiful and refreshing take on the enneagram when I read it last year; while I've read other descriptions of my type that had valuable insights for me, this spoke right into the heart of myself and really helped me understand how and why I show up in the world as I do.
You're absolutely right that our softness isn't safe everywhere or with everyone. I think the things I'm longing for are a) to have/find/create more spaces in my life where my softness IS safe, and b) to spend the majority of my life, whether measured on a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly basis, in those safe-for-soft places. I'm just ... tired, y'know?
I feeeeel you....I am tired too. I suppose it is part of the "restlessness" I hold in this space.
One of my dreams is to release meditations, songs, poems and art people can come back to over and over...but also to create spaces digitally where we can honor our softness. I have those drafts, I just need to be released from other things to do that work/gain some support from folks somehow. It is tough.
At the moment, I am finding the generative somatics space to be helpful. It's a drop in-30 minutes a day space for just regulating your nervous system with a community of folks. You don't even have to speak or come on camera if you don't want to. I am not there every session, but I keep it on my calendar every day so I know it is available to me. In fact, I think I will mention it in an upcoming newsletter.
There is so much that resonates, Rose, that it's hard to boil it down to one thing. I am just continually admiring your particular observant eloquence. I have my own wondering (permission?) when it comes to wearing the term "womanist" as a Jamaican American, as a person who hears the deafening silences when Black women are murdered by police, as a person trying to "make things work." I am grateful for the voice you give to the soft/Black/woman discourse.
I really appreciate the idea of midwifery over mastery. I’ve always felt alienated, frightened, by educational spaces that encourage us to “master.” (This was from an early age: I can remember a ballet class I tried when I was about 4 that I refused to go back to. I learned deep anxiety and disconnection from myself during high school years in large part because of an intensity around mastery.) As an educator, I hate the rhetoric, standards, and tools that emphasize children’s “mastery” of knowledge and skills. Let’s not train children to seek to master. Midwifery seems to center inquiry, process, emergence, and growth—or, not even to “center,” since that’s a concept with the same white EuroWestern lineage as “mastery”…maybe I’d say to “radiate.”
One thing I wondered as I read your post was about “softness” as a quality we can use to characterize relationships, communities, and structures, not only individuals.
Hello Ada :)
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I am sorry to hear about the anxiety and disconnection from mastery-focused learning....I hate that I can relate!
I have never been able to "master" much of anything, since I am always drawn to learning new things and kind of getting a birds eye view of certain subjects. My love of learning is grounded in curiosity, mystery, wonder and beauty among other things...
I also wish we could help kids develop their natural seeking tendencies in the learning process. I'd be curious in a future 1:1 to hear your thoughts on how that does/might happen through your work.
What is interesting about softness for me is how it has evolved in its meaning for me. I found that when I was looking for language to name what I needed to show up as fully human in the world, "softness" made sense, because I was trying to resist the strong Black woman myth. But over time, I've enjoyed seeing the overlap of what I am looking for in softness through contemplative spirituality. It is incomplete, as all language is, but helpful.
I am so grateful for you visiting my writing...this truly feels like I've been seen.
Natural seeking tendencies—I love that. I look forward to a future 1:1 to explore this more.
Your reply led me back to Cole Arthur Riley’s words at the Black Contemplative Prayer Summit in February, about the softness that can be possible—in ourselves and with each other—in the dark…
I also wanted to share how glad I was when you brought up doulas in our group conversation just now. I’d literally had the thought about 30 minutes earlier in the convo, “what’s the difference between a doula and a midwife? When my friends and loved ones have described their experiences with doulas, I’ve often thought I’d love that relationship, in both directions.” Then you shared about doulas! And that got me pondering all the ways humans can doula for/with each other, through the different kinds of life we bear.
I'm not even sure where to start with all the places that this resonates. Maybe I'll begin by saying that the very question about the possibility of being a "soft Black woman" feel frightening (folks kill shift things, especially if they're Black); vulnerable (don't be telling all these people that we have soft inside of us!); desirable (I honestly just want folks to see me as soft and take care of my softness, in all its forms, WAY MORE than they ever do); and vocationally descriptive on a very personal level (ask me how much time I spend searching out and curling up on soft things as the current daily pursuit of my body 😄).
To that last point: I'll happily refer you to two lovely and affordable weighted blankets I purchased earlier this year, if you haven't already bought yours.
Hello!
Thank you for this comment. You engaging with this post brings back tender memories from when I first wrote it. I have also felt like it is hard to walk through the world as soft as I am, unprotected. It is a question I want to bring to my gentle landing community more explicitly in this season. I hope to be writing on what the answer to that is!
In the meantime, I will share something my friend Alicia Crosby Mack shared—your softness isn't safe with everyone. Our masks, when we wear them with agency, protect us from those who would abuse our softness. I also think of Chichi Agorom's wonderful book, "Enneagram for Black Liberation," where she talks about our enneagram numbers as a form of necessary armor to survive in a world of anti-Black oppression.
On the weighted blanket—I finally bought one last night, using gentle landing funds. I have been putting it off for so long and I was finally like, "F--k it! I deserve this!" I am so excited for it to come in! 😄😄
Wishing you a gentle landing, B B!
Enneagram for Black Liberation is an AMAZING book. It was such a beautiful and refreshing take on the enneagram when I read it last year; while I've read other descriptions of my type that had valuable insights for me, this spoke right into the heart of myself and really helped me understand how and why I show up in the world as I do.
You're absolutely right that our softness isn't safe everywhere or with everyone. I think the things I'm longing for are a) to have/find/create more spaces in my life where my softness IS safe, and b) to spend the majority of my life, whether measured on a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly basis, in those safe-for-soft places. I'm just ... tired, y'know?
I feeeeel you....I am tired too. I suppose it is part of the "restlessness" I hold in this space.
One of my dreams is to release meditations, songs, poems and art people can come back to over and over...but also to create spaces digitally where we can honor our softness. I have those drafts, I just need to be released from other things to do that work/gain some support from folks somehow. It is tough.
At the moment, I am finding the generative somatics space to be helpful. It's a drop in-30 minutes a day space for just regulating your nervous system with a community of folks. You don't even have to speak or come on camera if you don't want to. I am not there every session, but I keep it on my calendar every day so I know it is available to me. In fact, I think I will mention it in an upcoming newsletter.
Your writing, and your approach to vocation/learning means so much to me as I try to discern what’s next for me. Thank you!
Thank you Andrés! Praying for you as you find your next gentle landing. 🙏🏾
Thank you so much, Rose!
So many reference points in here I connected to. Thanks for sharing this work, Rose!
There is so much that resonates, Rose, that it's hard to boil it down to one thing. I am just continually admiring your particular observant eloquence. I have my own wondering (permission?) when it comes to wearing the term "womanist" as a Jamaican American, as a person who hears the deafening silences when Black women are murdered by police, as a person trying to "make things work." I am grateful for the voice you give to the soft/Black/woman discourse.