This is really beautiful, Rose. 'Nailing Black women to a cross with compliments' reminds me of a recent realization. After listening to someone talk about a Black woman who was so selfless, *always patient* no matter what, strong, tirelessly enduring, etc.... and knowing personally some of what this particular Black woman "endured"...I resigned I don't ever want those "compliments" spoken over me. I don't want too be lauded for always working, let me be rest-full. Not always quietly strong, let me be noisily honest. Not always enduring, sacrificing, striving, let me be ease-y, gentle with myself first as I am unto others, with a core of steady alchemy like the nuclear fusion in a star. Praise me for how I emit wondrous light and energy just because that's who I am. Say words to honor how I've gotten extraordinarily comfortable with who I am, and don't care to waste my light and energy on who someone else thinks I am or should be. Remember me for how rest and play and ease and joy and gentleness weren't primarily nourishment for my production, but were centered as the very energy I sent out from my spot in the universe because it was my birthright to do so - and how I welcomed others into doing the same.
(context: my parents are in the beginning stages of getting divorced)
My mom compliments me when she tells me that I am her spiritual guidance. She also sounds alarm bells when she says this, alerting me to an unhealthy dynamic in our relationship—I cannot be her spiritual director. I do not feel equipped to be that, nor is it appropriate or healthy for me, her child, to be a landing place for her spiritual woes. The compliment feels in line with what others have told me: that they seek me out for wisdom and guidance on spiritual matters. But in some ways it does rely on the idea of "this is my support eldest daughter." My dad told me the other day that I'm the only person he can talk to about this stuff because I'm the only one who will understand. These "compliments" create anguish in me: what to tell my parents when they clearly need someone else to talk to, someone else to guide them, and yet seem to not have anyone else to turn to?
I don't know what the answer is, but I will continue to devote time to my relationships with them, and to erect the boundaries I know need to be put in place. Maybe that's all I can do right now.
Sorry to hear about your parents. That's gotta be tough, especially to provide this kind of support for them. Celebrating the boundaries you are creating and the gentleness of it all.
This is really beautiful, Rose. 'Nailing Black women to a cross with compliments' reminds me of a recent realization. After listening to someone talk about a Black woman who was so selfless, *always patient* no matter what, strong, tirelessly enduring, etc.... and knowing personally some of what this particular Black woman "endured"...I resigned I don't ever want those "compliments" spoken over me. I don't want too be lauded for always working, let me be rest-full. Not always quietly strong, let me be noisily honest. Not always enduring, sacrificing, striving, let me be ease-y, gentle with myself first as I am unto others, with a core of steady alchemy like the nuclear fusion in a star. Praise me for how I emit wondrous light and energy just because that's who I am. Say words to honor how I've gotten extraordinarily comfortable with who I am, and don't care to waste my light and energy on who someone else thinks I am or should be. Remember me for how rest and play and ease and joy and gentleness weren't primarily nourishment for my production, but were centered as the very energy I sent out from my spot in the universe because it was my birthright to do so - and how I welcomed others into doing the same.
Nya, this comment?...is a whole word. A prayer, an affirmation. Seriously had to read it multiple times. Thank you always for reading and supporting!
Thank you for providing the muse to inspire the prayer! <3 Love you, hope you are taking the best care Beloved <333
(context: my parents are in the beginning stages of getting divorced)
My mom compliments me when she tells me that I am her spiritual guidance. She also sounds alarm bells when she says this, alerting me to an unhealthy dynamic in our relationship—I cannot be her spiritual director. I do not feel equipped to be that, nor is it appropriate or healthy for me, her child, to be a landing place for her spiritual woes. The compliment feels in line with what others have told me: that they seek me out for wisdom and guidance on spiritual matters. But in some ways it does rely on the idea of "this is my support eldest daughter." My dad told me the other day that I'm the only person he can talk to about this stuff because I'm the only one who will understand. These "compliments" create anguish in me: what to tell my parents when they clearly need someone else to talk to, someone else to guide them, and yet seem to not have anyone else to turn to?
I don't know what the answer is, but I will continue to devote time to my relationships with them, and to erect the boundaries I know need to be put in place. Maybe that's all I can do right now.
Hey Laurel,
Sorry to hear about your parents. That's gotta be tough, especially to provide this kind of support for them. Celebrating the boundaries you are creating and the gentleness of it all.