"afraid is a country"...and I am a citizen, longing for that expat life.
perching lines, no. 8
Hello gentle-people,
I like writing about spooky things that are part of everyday, ordinary life in October. Last year, I wrote about my lifelong battle with depression.
This year, I want to reflect on a thought that has been haunting me more than ever this year:
I am going to die someday.
I am here, right now, living and breathing, but someday—
*opening guitar riff to “I Will Follow You into the Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie*
I am going to die someday.
I have been sitting with this fact these last few weeks. Well, months, if I consider the nexus of this present focus on mortality originating from the doctor’s appointment where I learned I have to have surgery.
Before I go on, I hope to assure you in ways I am trying to assure myself: Though it is a big surgery, it is routine and non-life threatening. I am expecting six weeks of recovery on the other side.
Since I got the news, I’ve had a pre-op appointment, have scheduled my surgery. I have also been getting other things in order medically. I have had encounters with more than one reality of all I need to do to care for this one body I have.
Now, I am single and childless. I have been in a space of such deep preoccupation with creating new habits of care for myself, I find myself wondering how anyone could care for anyone else. I know I just finished a series on A Gentle Landing called “I could care less,”1 where I unpacked the limitations of care when approached individualistically. In this season, I need to revisit those words as I hold on to myself.
But today, as I consider the fears that have been present for me, I want to reflect on some words written by Audre Lorde from A Burst of Light and Other Essays:2
“I want to write down everything I know about being afraid, but I’d probably never have enough time to write anything else. Afraid is a country where they issue us passports at birth, and hope we never seek citizenship in another country. The face of afraid keeps changing constantly, and I can count on that change. I need to travel light and fast, and there’s a lot of baggage I’m going to have to leave behind me. Jettison cargo.”3
🐦⬛ about perching lines
A “perch” is a light rest. Much needed in a world where many of us have to learn how to catch a break while standing up. In these lighter posts, I will offer poems, questions, and connections for those brief moments of reprieve. [Explore more in this series.]
The face of afraid keeps changing…
…and I have been a witness. I remember my childhood fear of the dark, which was truly a fear of what I could imagine was moving in the shadows. I continue to have a mind that conjures new fears. But I don’t desire to be fearless. I simply desire to find what I need to willfully and joyfully live this life in its fullness. I wish for peace.4 I know that there are things that will continue to stir, but I wish for something in the center of my being that remembers what I am worthy of and calls me back.
This past week, I shared a few thoughts that emerged from this place of wanting to embrace Audre Lorde’s words. Here is the first:
I do believe this speaks for itself, but this week, as I have watched people interact with it, I have had more moments to reflect on its meaning for myself. As someone who puts her words out into the world publicly, I have found myself caught in these fears. Sometimes they take turns haunting me, sometimes they come together, in deep contradictions.
“The face of afraid keeps changing…” Sometimes I am afraid no one is paying attention. Then what is it all for? Is any of my effort “worth it?” Why write? No one is listening. It doesn’t matter that it’s not true. Sometimes I am afraid everyone is paying attention, but only when I mess up and feel exposed. Everyone has their eyes on me, calculating my worth. But somewhere between “everyone,” and “no one” are the people who love me, the people who see me, the people who are worth keeping in mind when I imagine “gentle-people.” You all, gentle-people, are truth. So I cut through these fears to say something to you, honored to have your attention.
Here is my second thought, which emerged as I held Audre Lorde’s words. It is an affirmation:
In order to do this, I need to do as Audre Lorde does—pack light and jettison cargo. I need there to be room to hold what is mine. So I am letting go of what isn’t mine. I am holding loosely what isn’t mine alone, so that it may fall into the gentle landings they need to be held well.
Alice Walker says “Whatever is mine is looking for me,” and I also thought of her as I penned these words. I wonder—what does it look like for me to shift towards an abundance mindset, with the recognition that scarcity was never meant to be mine? To quote Audre Lorde again, “We were never meant to survive.” Actually, this entire post could be summed up as just a recapitulation of her poem “A Litany for Survival (no. 42).”
If Audre Lorde didn’t want to spend her time writing about fear because she wouldn’t be able to write about anything else, then I suppose, I, too, wish to be done writing about it. At least in all the ways it ties me to a mindset that keeps me from showing up in the world bravely.
Fear must be exposed.
Audre Lorde exposed hers beautifully.
Today I expose mine, and hope I can make it a little easier to close my eyes.
Landing Tracks
If “afraid is a country,” describe that place. What fears live there? What worries are neighbors? What laws govern the way things are done? What nations border it and what does travel look between nations? What do to have in your travel pack that helps you travel more lightly?
What (or who) calls you back from your fear when it has gripped you? How can make it a habit to revisit what (or who) calls you back? Where and/or how can you keep those reminders close?
What does it look like for you to be fully alive, even as fear (of death) presses against your being? Can you tell the story of how you got here—or how you keep on being here—so that we can bear witness?
Buy Me a Feather: Goal update
I want to take a moment to thank the folks who purchased feathers towards my goal of paying off medical debt with a bit more ease. I applied $170 (34 feathers) to this goal and have lowered the amount I have to pay off. I have decided to shift my BMAF goal to create space for something I am dreaming up in collaboration with my sister, Grace Percy.
Funds from A Gentle Landing have helped me do many beautiful things in the past, including:
Buy all kinds of books that I write about here often.
Ease my anxiety between paychecks when I was struggling and still in school.
Get me a good and well-needed massage from time to time.
Pay for a class on Lucille Clifton’s poetry taught by the phenomenal Honorée Jeffers.
Now those fund will help me explore this new avenue of creative exploration for me, with the help of Grace.
I created A Gentle Landing to chronicle my journey of finding it for myself. I believe the vocational call to create a gentle landing for others was always on the other side of finding myself sufficiently rested enough to dream. I have been so thankful for that ongoing support. I now invite you to bear witness to another being becoming in this community of care.
I have used social media professionally since 2018. Since then, so much has changed and I am finding it hard to keep up. I am also finding that I want to connect through more than just writing. I have other reasons for wanting a social media manager, but I will unveil them as we go along.
Grace will be working as my social media manager, starting with my TikTok music account [@] eldestdawtahrage. She is joining the team at A Gentle Landing and you will occasionally get updates from her as she develops professional social media management skills. It has been my dream for a long time to make a gentle landing for more than just myself. It has been my dream to work with others in co-creating meaningful content. Furthermore, to work alongside my sister and invest in her dream feels like the right next step for A Gentle Landing.
In the comments, feel free to welcome Grace to the team!
p. 45 if you have it. Here is an affiliate link you can use to purchase a copy if you don’t have it.
Here I am reminded of some additional perching lines from Howard Thurman:
“I seek the enlargement of my heart that there may be room for Peace. Already there is room enough for chaos. There is in every day’s experience much that makes for confusion and bewilderment. Often I do not understand quite how my relations with others become frayed and chaotic. Sometimes this chaos is a positive thing; it means that something new, creative and whole is beginning to pull together the tattered fragments of my relationship with a person and to fashion it into that which delights the spirit and makes glad the heart. Sometimes the chaos is negative, a sign of degeneration in a relationship once meaningful and good. There is room enough for chaos.”
So glad to be a part of this amazing journey🤧💕
Welcome, Grace! So excited to see you shine!