Prince & the Best Summer of My Life
Dancing in(to your) aliveness
TW: depression and anxiety mentioned
Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called life
Electric word, life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here to tell you
There's something else
The afterworld
A world of never ending happiness—Prince, “Let’s Go Crazy”
Let’s Go Crazy…
I start with these words from Prince’s 1984 hit “Let’s Go Crazy,” first because it’s the song I’ve been waking up to every morning (or afternoon) for about a week. Through my scratchy morning voice, I say, "hey Google, play…” and each day, it’s the first thing that gets me rolling out of bed ready to face the day.
There’s something ominous about it, which mimics the way I feel about the future right now. Prince sets up this song so that life is meant to be muddled through…the afterlife is what we look forward to.
Before I write more, let me name that I am clinically depressed, with anxiety and ADHD to boot. They all affect me on a mental and physical level. This summer has been a hard one for my body for all three, with my muscles so tense I foam roll every day for longer than is recommended. (Not to mention the carpal tunnel I wrote about last time. No worries, I am still using all the helpful speech-to-text tools I have to supplement typing!)
This was supposed to be the happiest summer of my life.
My mind has been all over the place, trying to make sense of my next steps, in this post-graduation season. I enjoyed the end of May/beginning of June while I was away from home, but once I came back, the thoughts flooded my mind and I forgot who I am…and I’ve been gone for a while.
I disappeared from myself.
I did the bare minimum of all my routines. I started to let the lies overpower the affirmations I’ve worked almost two years to hear louder than everything else.
I disappeared from my work.
And this time, it wasn’t just because I was tired. I was so tired I could not see why anything mattered. I could not get myself to look at anything I’d created and enjoy it. And the weird thing is, how I feel did not line up with the reality of my work being recognized and seen in ways that are bringing together the community I’ve always wanted, such as in the Starshine and Clay Cohort.
I disappeared from my friends.
Mainly, by getting absorbed in their needs and refusing to share my own. For so long, it has seemed that struggle must be met with my fierce independent spirit and creative work ethic. I was afraid my burdens would be too heavy for my people. Let me be honest—I am still afraid my burdens are too heavy for my people.
August is coming and I still have no idea what the future holds. Where I will live. Where I will find sustainable employment. My therapist is moving in August as well. These past two years, she has helped me find my reason(s).
In the depths of the disappearing, I am finding my way back by letting myself be seen here, needing love from the people who love me unconditionally—even when our seasons do not line up to grant us space to enjoy each other’s presences wholly. I try to remember, even when I am capable of going it alone, I do not have to:
With my hands, I have cultivated many different skills to secure a sense of competence in the world. But in a world of increasing calamity, these hands are tired of holding it all together. Today, I might let them be held. I might let myself be gathered by the love of my friends.
Where Two or Three Are Gathered, featured in enfleshed
This isn’t the best summer of my life, but even if right now, it’s just in the name of the people I love, who love me, I will work hard to make sure it’s not my last one. The parts of me that help me be creative, and write in ways that reveal light and love, are also the same parts of me that craft the monsters that dwell in the shadowy parts.
So I play Prince, to wake up into the absurdity of life with a dance in my spirit. Air guitar solo and all. I stretch, I breathe, I read affirmations. I am finding a reason to laugh every day, even if only at myself.
I remember that I get to live this life with people who do not expect me to perform perfection. I remember that I do not have to perform perfection for myself, either. I remember the words of Lucille Clifton, “every day something has tried to kill me and has failed.”
I remember that many people have gone on this journey and I have no reason to feel shame for not having the rest of my life figured out. Add to the thread:
I am remembering how to “get through this thing called life, electric word, life”.
Aren’t we all?
I hope you find a way to dance into your aliveness.
“This isn’t the best summer of my life, but even if right now, it’s just in the name of the people I love, who love me, I will work hard to make sure it’s not my last one.”
In an essay filled with honesty and vulnerability, this line hit me the hardest. 😭