93 Days

A Seminary Countdown (We are at 89 today)

93 days

A thought for the fear:

Perhaps you came here like me

Wanting to get the degree that would make others trust your voice.

I learned quickly that it would be impossible

For anything to fully satisfy that requirement-

I learned to find trust and safety in myself

Do I feel prepared? To greet the world again?

Not entirely...

I may not be able to prepare for the worst

But I can prepare to hold myself through the worst.

93 days

I know a lot of people who are scared right now and I am one of them. These thoughts came to me after therapy, journaling, & my affirmational readings. It does not come easy for me to hope first. Doubt is easier to embrace.

I began seminary because I doubted myself, I doubted my voice and thought a degree would not only help me trust myself but would give me the credentials to enable others to trust me.

My life is going to change. After May, all I see on my calendar is blank squares of time. My mind cannot take me farther than graduation.

But I am holding me, affirming her and believing myself—perhaps not out of anxiety, but into rootedness. There is an idea resting at the bottom of my doubt that refuses to be stirred up into the air of questions around me:

I am a good and trustworthy home for myself.

(This plant below comes from the church plant I worked at before deciding to go to seminary. I did not trust myself as a pastor then. I was just barely able to trust my voice and hear my own thoughts as important and valid, despite endless positive encouragement. )